Laying in my bed sobbing I remembered a scripture Psalm 147:3 "He (God)heals the brokenhearted". That word "broken" seems to fit the very essence of my heart right now, my life, my family, my future. Other words - crushed, shattered, destroyed . . . it is a sense of being lost like no other I've felt.
Nothing could have prepared me for the pain I felt holding Paul in the hours and minutes as he slipped away. In all my desperation I knew I had to let him go to God. To this point we had fought hard - so counter intuitive to pray for release from his mortal body and pain.
Sobbing, thinking on that verse, I had to laugh out loud at the echo of Paul's voice saying, "Hey how long you gonna be broke down?". Years passed as he worked delivering trusses in the construction industry that was a common question. When the long trailers would get stuck in the mud, or when trusses would need to be re-secured along the way, or when a tire would go flat . . . the boss man would ask, "Paul, how long you gonna be broke down? How long til your rig is up and running?"
I can almost hear Paul lovingly asking me . . . "Honey, how long you gonna be broke down?" With my hope and faith in a God that heals the brokenhearted, and memories of a man who laughed in the face of cancer, I will look to the heavens with peace. God will help me heal. I'm brokenhearted but not broke down forever.