“I go east, but He is not there.
I go west, but I cannot find Him.
I do not see Him in the north,
for He is hidden. I turn to the south,
but I cannot find Him.
But He knows where I am going”
(Job 23:8-10 NLT).
I keep looking for Paul. Expecting to get a phone call or see him shuffle down the hall - habit. Expect to look up and see him tapping the ivories or catch him hard at work refinishing the old piano in our garage. The growing emptiness is deafening.
So yesterday I went to where he last was. I went to the cemetery. Gasping I stared at the yellowing strips of grass that had been carefully replaced over the grave - and a handwritten temporary marker "Paul Berg". The reality hit me hard in the chest and knocked the wind out of me til I landed sobbing on my knees. The brutal reality: Paul as I knew him is not here. He is with Jesus. He will not be coming back.
I could not fix his pain. I had tried with every ounce of research, doting, hovering, caregiving, humor, and prayer. What a terrible terrible reality. I'm trusting that God was able to set him free. And Paul who was always a risk-taker, always an adventure seeker, always pursuing life . . . Paul knows where I am going someday too. May the walk of my future be inspired by the courage I learned from him.