Monday, August 3, 2009

Coming Up For Air

So much has changed in my life in the past two weeks. I hardly recognize my life anymore. A huge darkness engulfs me many times a day and the tears seemed endless. Small things still must be addressed - Paul's clothes folded from the laundry, his toothbrush, his phone . . . reminders that he will not be coming back. It is heartwrenching.

Planned months ago, a trip had been scheduled for me to go back to North Carolina for a book conference. When the date came I could think of a million reasons to stay home - who wants to go out into the world after the passing of a spouse? Then again - who wants to be home in the silence of the loss of a spouse? Here or there - I felt neither would be better however, doors to the future might open through a conference like that.

Charlotte North Carolina brought so many things into my life. Amazing, special people. New strength. New vision. New courage. New possibilities. It was truly like coming up for air. In fact, Paul had very much wanted me to go on that trip - and in so many ways it was like breathing again.

Sometimes its hard to see how deep you're sinking until you come up to the top gasping. Then you realize you've been holding your breath for an awfully long time.

Life is about the breathing and the living. Thank you Paul for teaching me that.