Saturday, October 31, 2009

Healing Is Not Linear

People ask me, "Tiffany how are you doing? How are you getting along these days?" I know they mean how am I doing - specifically - after Paul's death. Well, specifically, I think it will take a long time to get over losing Paul. And still, I am moving forward in very good healthy ways.

This week we did a home makeover and had crazy late hours, out of control chaos, and overwhelming excitement and joy. We blessed a family in a way that only our home makeover addicted team can. It was great to be back in the swing of things that were a significant part of my life and my passion.

I'm getting back to work and meeting with clients again - and I'm feeling momentum behind my computer work, graphic design and writing. My day-to-day life is feeling more routine and I'm getting used to the circumstances.

Sadly the other night I awoke after a nightmare - dreamed that cancer was eating away at my lower leg and there was nothing I could do to stop it. Seemed so real that I felt death was coming for me. I woke shaken and terrified all over again. And I was alone.

My sweet friend Marty found out this week that the cancer is now in both lungs. Talking with his wife Terry my heart sank to that very very sad place and all I could do on the way home was weep. So unfair. What will they go through? And their children?

I guess what I wish people knew most is that healing is not linear. In one area there can be wholeness, the ability to function, the ability to move forward. Yet, there are areas of brokenness that will take years - if ever - to address. The loss of a spouse - the death of dreams together - the pain of seeing someone suffer so intensely - that is so deep a wound with so many layers . . .

No one can judge what healing will look like or the process or path that healing takes. But for certain it is not a strait line - it is more like a mountain range with plenty of hills and drop offs. What I am grateful for are the people in my life that are steady - when the healing isn't.